Then With You I Will Cry
by musical-cynders
Summary: When a tragedy begins to rip apart Jude and Tommy's marraige, will they be able to stay afloat? Or will Jude crumble under the heat from the loss? Will Tommy be able to save his marriage before it's too late? The journey begins now...
1. Chapter 1

**This idea came to me last night, I thought about it before I fell asleep and decided I should turn it into a fan fic. I have some ideas on where this should go but I am truly excited to see how this story plays out. The title, "Then With You I will Cry" is credited to my favorite band, _Kutless_. They have a song called, "Shut Me Out." With the lyric, "When tears start to fall then with you I will cry." I love it so much I decided to steal it for this story. **

**I'm starting this one off with a bang, leaving the imagination to run wild… but mid-way you'll see Jude narrating, I thought this would be neat to have Jude and Tommy almost telling us the story from their viewpoints… I'll start here and the past will be revealed in the following chapters through Tommy and Jude's telling's.**

**I'm also writing "From Hello To Goodbye" Which I will continue to post in simultaneously with "TWYIWC"**

**I hope you enjoy!**

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"Who was she?"

The bedside lamp switched on, casting the darkened room into a soft glow. Smoke from a newly lit cigarette lifted into the room, swirling the air in blue and gray streaks. Jude sat with her right leg crossed over the left, her foot moving gently to an imaginary beat. Her left arm rest stiffly against the arm of the high-backed black leather seat, holding the cigarette between her fingers. Lifting her right arm Jude brought a small glass to her lips before taking a long swallow, her gaze pinning Tommy over the rim.

Five feet away Tommy slowly turned around to face his wife, he had figured she would already be asleep. Most nights when he decided to roll in Jude was passed out in bed, allowing his entrance to be argument free. His gaze locked with hers over the glass, she shot him a look that could kill if he had not been immune to it, still he winced. Jude brought the glass down to rest on her leg once again, the condensation from the ice rolled off the glass, dripping in drops on to her exposed bare thigh.

"Smoking is bad for you," Tommy commented as his eyes finally registered the cigarette resting between her fingers.

Nodding Jude lifted the burning bud to her lips, dragging in a long pull, "One of the many disgusting habits I learned from you."

Wincing once again, this time from her iced tone Tommy stepped closer towards the bathroom before opening his mouth to speak, "You're still dressed from earlier?"

"What's it to you?"

"Just asking."

Jude's fingers danced over the glass before she took another sip, ice clinked against the glass as the clear liquid swirled in fast circles. Her hand lingered in the air making her choice in beverage be known to her husband. He hated it when she drank, what perfect way to get him back. Tommy's eyes widened in realization.

"Skipped right over the Brandy this time?" Narrowing his eyes Tommy sarcastically bit out, "I never knew you preferred Vodka."

"Who said I skipped the Brandy?" Smiling sweetly Jude pushed herself from her seat, "Or the Tequila? Or the Whiskey?" Bending over the chair Jude smashed the cigarette into the small ashtray on the bedside table, "Or the Rum?" Raising the glass in mock solute Jude finished off her drink before setting it down next to the ashtray.

"You're turning into a drunk."

Smoothing out her dress Jude gazed into Tommy's eyes with hatred, "And you're a backstabbing cheating husband," Her bare feet sunk into the plush carpet as she stepped closer towards him, "Now why don't you answer my question, 'Who was she?'"

"Who was who?" Tommy asked in innocence.

"One of your many bimbos?" Jude angrily yelled.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't?" Jude closed the gap between Tommy and her, leaving only a hands width open, "_I don't? _You make me sick, you think I can't smell them on you when you roll in all hours of the night? Even your pathetic showers can't erase the scent of betrayal."

Reaching his hand out Tommy let if rest against Jude's arm, she shuddered underneath his touch. His eyes connected with hers briefly before Jude shoved his hand away.

"Speechless Tommy?"

Tommy's eyes narrowed in annoyance, "Why don't you mind your business, or better yet, go make yourself another drink."

"Who. Was. She?" Biting each word out in frustration Jude jabbed Tommy in the chest.

"No one."

"No one?" She asked laughing in anger.

Rising on to her toes Jude buried her face into Tommy's shirt, letting the smell of expensive perfume fill her nostrils. Tears pricked the back of her eyes before she pulled away. She was not crying over the fact Tommy was cheating on her and lying about it, she was crying over how her hatred for him grew by the minute. Tommy stared down at her in surprise before he gently pushed her off of him, he knew she knew about his late nights, any woman would, but having her blatantly point it out to him was something he had not been prepared for.

"_Chanel_, wow Tommy, you managed to land an expensive whore this time," Fire burned behind her gaze as she let each word roll off her tongue, "I am rather impressed, I didn't think you had it in you, I thought you liked cheap and easy."

"Shut up Jude!"

"Who was she? Someone you met after I left the banquet?" Throwing her hands up in misery she asked, "Is she married? Like you, going behind her spouses back, having hush-hush one nights with scum like you?"

Enraged Tommy slammed his fist against the bedroom wall, "Shut the _hell _up," His hand blistered from the pressure, "Shit!" Cursing the pain, curing his wife Tommy stared across at her with equal fire, "When did you turn into such a bitch?"

"Around the time you stopped acting like my husband."

Without another word Jude turned and tried to walk away but Tommy stopped her with his rough hands. Spinning her to face him Tommy crashed his mouth down on hers. Gasping Jude pressed her hands against his chest before shoving him hard enough to break the embrace. Rubbing the back of her hand against her swollen lips Jude spat out in disgust.

"Don't touch me!"

"I'm your husband Jude, I can touch you if I want."

"You have no rights over me!" Her eyes blurred with tears.

"Why do you think I go out every night?" Tommy's budding dislike for Jude rang through with his next words, "Someone needs to satisfy my needs. You wont, so let's just leave it at that."

"_I hate you!"_

Tommy nodded in Jude's direction before he turned and marched into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. A shower was just what he needed, another way to wash out the pain that always flooded his system. A pain that lay heavy on his heart every day that he lived, the women he slept with were only ways for him to let out pint up frustration… Jude would never understand….some days even he did not understand.

_I'm Jude Harrison, this is the story of how my life slowly and painfully began to unravel. Each thread that was cast away left me bare and open for exposure, left me more vulnerable than I have ever been, left me for dead. I Jude Harrison, now Jude Harrison-Quincy thought I had it all, and I did until my life fell apart, a downward spiral._

_When I was fifteen I won a national singing contest, "Instant Star" after that my life went from boring to extraordinary, all in one day, all in one song. I had everything going for me, a career I always wanted, people asking for my autograph, new friends, and of course a gorgeous producer who quickly stole my heart._

_Two years after winning, two records under my belt, one number one, I finally got the guy I had been dreaming about. Tommy "Q" Quincy. His blue eyes had sparkled in mischief as he nonchalantly asked me on a date, me being me had played it cool. Which meant that as soon as he left I broke out in girlish shrieks, which came back to bite me in the ass because Tommy laughed from the other room… ouch, there went my "cool" cloak._

_We dated two years before I realized with certainty I was in love, madly in love with him, the best part was, Tommy seemed to return my affection. Before my twentieth birthday Tommy proposed to me, the engagement lasted only three months before we celebrated our union in a small yet beautifully romantic wedding. The happiest day of my life lasted a few years… now the honeymoon is over and what I am beginning to realize with ever-present anguish, my life is hell… the hissing waves from the fire underneath are slowly casting up and nipping at me left and right._

Fire burned in the back of her throat, boiling a trail all the way down. Jude capped the top of the tequila bottle, screwing on the cap before backing sluggishly away from the table. Tommy was still in the shower, water from the showerhead could still be heard through the walls. As soon as he slammed the door she had made her way over towards her stash of alcohol. Tommy never went through the drawers of her nightstand, making way for the perfect set up of her liquor.

She had said she hated him, never one to think she Jude Harrison would ever say those words to Tommy, sadly enough as each day passed she really felt like she did hate him. The love they once shared for one another faded, replacing the gap with a slow burning anger towards each other.

Reaching her hands up Jude began to unclasp the two clips that held her blonde hair up. Lately she didn't have a care what her appearance looked like, tonight she had been forced by G-Major to attend an employee banquet. Portia had selected her simple yet elegant black cocktail dress, and even pinned Jude's hair up into a small twist on her own. Her makeup had been minimal, mascara and lip gloss only… her plan was to go, be seen, then leave. Her plan went off without a hitch, she spoke when she was spoken to, mingled with Darius and Liam briefly before telling Tommy she was leaving.

Snorting in pitiful disgust Jude tripped over her disregarded shoes, the alcohol catching up to her, sending her body into a dizzying spin before she landed flat on her face on the bed.

Giggles erupted from her body filling the room to echo. They only lasted a mere few seconds before a wave of sobs took over, wracking her body with shudders… the echo's soon became bone chilling as Jude sobbed against the bed comforter that covered the kind sized bed. Muffled in sound, yet heart wrenching to anyone who heard her.

"Jude?" Tommy's voice questioned from the now open bathroom door.

"G-go a-away."

Nodding even though she couldn't see him Tommy walked towards the bed before shaking his head and retreating to the door.

"I'll sleep in the guest bedroom…_again."_

_My hell began again, each minute I was alive I felt as if my heart was being pierced with more fire more pain. I never wanted to end up this way, I never wanted this life. I had it all, I loved my husband, and now I despised him. My world crashed beneath me, my every fiber was drowned in the sea of loss the day our daughter died…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the reviews! This chapter is a flashback one, It's a year before, which you'll soon find out. Most of it will be in Jude's narriation. I liked it better when it was mostly Jude telling her viewpoint of what happened. The next chapter I think will be in Tommy's, but I'll think about it first. Hope you enjoy!**

**p.s. The lady who does my hair reminds me a lot of Jude's character, her daughter has an odd name, one I've never heard before, but for some reason I find it to be really cute. So here I am using it for Jude and Tommy's daughter. It fits I think.**

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**Chapter Two**

_One year earlier…_

"Mommy!" Two year old Farley Quincy called out from her spot on the front lawn, "Look at me."

Jude smiled at her daughter. The weather had been perfect, just right for Jude to take her angel out and play for a few hours. Blue skies, bright in color danced with white fluffy clouds, shading the rays from the sun from being too hot. Summer was in full swing, June was slowly changing into July.

Farley clothed in her favorite swimsuit, hot pink with white polka dots, dipped her small hands into the kiddie pool. Aunt Sadie sure had her influence on the young beauty. Jude had dreaded the hot pink suit. Sadie had been shopping with the two Quincy women the week before, and well two against one always won. Farley and Sadie fell in love with the bright pink number…a suit Jude herself fell in love with once Farley tried it on and broke into a beautiful smile.

Child's laughter filled Jude's ear, Farley loved being outside, her pool was fast becoming her favorite past time activity. Her daughter could sit for hours on end playing in the pool if Jude allowed it. Smiling again at Farley Jude pushed herself out of her lawn chair and made her way towards her daughter.

"Promise not to splash Mommy this time?" Jude grinned down at Farley as she neared the pool.

"Yes," Farley's baby voice broke into the air, "I pwomise."

"Good, because last time I got all wet!"

_Two weeks in a row I took Far out to play in her pool. Her small blue pool, the one she loved so much. After Tommy would leave for work, she would always bound over to me begging to go outside. Her blonde curls, which I still cannot believe she came out with my blonde hair. Everyone had predicted she would have Tommy's dark hair. Even though Farley has Tommy's eyes. She would have been a knockout. Blonde hair, blue eyes. A true beauty._

_Her baby doll, which she named, "Baby Doll," had to be dressed in a swimsuit just like hers. Pretend, I searched every where for a hot pink bathing suit for a doll, came up empty handed each time. Far settled for a light pink one. Baby Doll went swimming with her everyday, she would always call out, "Mommy, look! Baby swim too." The cutest thing I have ever seen. I wore a smile bigger than ever whenever I watched her play._

_That day was no different from the others, after getting Farley dressed in her beloved suit we headed out side for the pool. Her small giggles still ring in my ears… she helped me gather the hose, after filling her little pool with water I sprayed her. She broke out in laughter before running over to me and wrapping her soaking body against my leg._

"_Hey!" I called out to her in mock horror, "You booger, you're getting Mommy all wet!"_

_Her bright blue eyes had looked up at me and I swear my heart almost melted at the sight. Every day I loved her a little more. Every one of her sweet looks made me fall harder for her. She smiled at me with a mischievous grin, causing me to laugh with her. I loved that little girl with everything I had…I still do._

"Mama wet," Grinning Farley dipped her hand back into the pool before pulling out cupping a small hand full of water, "Mama wet," She repeated before slapping her hand against Jude's bare leg.

"_Hey!_" Jumping from the coolness Jude squealed in laughter, "You lied to me!"

"Sowwie."

Jude bent down and picked her up. Farley squealed in delight as Jude's mouth blew raspberries against her small soft neck.

"You promised and then you turned your back on me," Smiling Farley wrapped her chubby arms around Jude's neck before planting a wet kiss against Jude's cheek.

"Daddy told me," Her blonde curls glimmered underneath the sunlight, half wet from the water, the other half dropped down to her shoulders, sticking out in places from the air dry.

"Oh did he?"

"Yes," Nodding her head Farley looked into Jude's eyes before continuing, "Get Mama wet, for Daddy, he told me."

"I think we need to get Daddy back, what do you say?"

"How?" Farley questioned.

A slow smile lifted Jude's lips as she thought over a plan, "Hmm, he gets off early today, how about we think about it first?"

"Otay, me play now."

_A plan we never got around too. Tommy often used our daughter to get me. Somehow with the influence of Spiederman and the band we got into practical jokes. The first year we dated we always had fun setting little scenarios up for one another. They did lessen after we married, and for sure dropped after Farley was born. Tommy always got Far to do things for him. Who could get mad at a sweet little baby? Him telling her to get me wet that day was normal, countless times I was the canvas for finger paint, or the target for nerf balls. I got my husband back, on my own, but Far was perfect, and she enjoyed it. _

_One time when Tommy was sleeping I took the baby and we put on makeup to look like war paint…after collecting all the rubber and nerf balls we could find we made our way towards my bedroom. Tommy's snores drowned out our hushed giggles… Farley had looked so damn cute with her face painted. Sitting in the bathroom doorway we one by one launched the balls across the room, aimed right for my sleeping husband. _

_He groaned minutes on end before finally sitting up in bed. More like jumping up, it took everything in me to keep from breaking out in hysterics. His hair jutted out in all directions, Far did break out in giggles. I tried to hush her, but it was too late, we were caught. Tommy had grinned sleepily before climbing out of bed, headed right towards us. Farley broke out in laughing screams before running out of the room, leaving me to face the consequences. Like mother like daughter, I too ran out of the room screaming._

_Memories like that always run through my mind, like a slide show of everything good about my life. I only wish that day never happened, I wish I could go back and make everything better… I wish I could get my little girl back._

Forty five minutes Jude sat in the grass next to the small pool, taking hits from the water. Farley kept cupping handful's before splashing Jude. The cool moisture was welcome, cooling off her bare legs and arms, Jude made faces at her daughter, causing them both to smile.

Jude brought her camera out, after snapping the twentieth picture of Farley she finally stopped. Tommy always complained Jude took too many pictures. A mother could never have too many pictures, always her argument…she could not help it, their daughter was too precious not to fill up roll after roll of sweet film.

"Hey you guys!" Jude glanced up to see Kat stepping out of her car.

"Hey stranger, what brings you here?" Jude jumped up and ran over to her best friend, "I've missed you!"

"Missed you too," Pulling Jude into a big hug Kat continued, "I caught an earlier flight, so _surprise_!"

Smiling brightly Jude hugged Kat again before pulling away and staring in awe at her, "Kat you look gorgeous!"

"So do you Mama."

"I wish I would have known I would have cleaned the house."

Kat laughed before dragging Jude towards Farley. Living in New York pursuing her fashion dreams had meant she had to leave behind her family and friends. Three years she had been gone, she made her way back for holidays and occasional one day trips.

"Is that my Farley Bear I spy?" Kat cooed as she approached the pool.

"Kat!" Squealing Farley climbed out of the pool before waddling over to her mom and Kat.

"Hey baby cakes," Grinning Kat reached down to lift Farley up, "Wow, look how big you've gotten."

"She eats like a horse," Jude commented, "You should see how many cookies she sneaks behind my back."

"No!" Spreading kisses across Farley's cheeks Kat spoke to the smiling girl, "You don't do that do you?"

"Yes!" Farley chuckled.

"Now she tells the truth!" Jude bit out sarcastically before leaning over to kiss her daughters cheek.

_Kat showing up was such a surprise, I knew she was planning on flying out to Toronto for a small vacation, but to have her show up unexpectedly was so great. Farley loved her Godmother almost as much as Kat loved her. I wonder often how things would have been if Kat never came that day, would I have had my full attention on my daughter? Was it fate? Would she still have died? Those questions never leave me, I always, always play "what if?"_

_I let Far play for another hour in her pool before I dragged her out kicking and screaming. Terrible two's was an understatement where that girl was concerned, especially when it came to her pool. She ran back three times after I pulled her out, finally I had Kat take her in the house so I could drain the pool and put it up._

_Kat always thinking about clothes helped Far change into one of her pairs of denim shorts, a green tank top with a pink and yellow flower in the center and her white sandals. Farley waddled out of the house with her hair pulled back in a short pony tail held by a pink clip, she looked adorable. Her sun kissed cheeks her bright blue eyes shining, I smile this day thinking upon those images. Some of the last of her still alive._

"Want to play with your ball munchkin?" Jude asked Farley, soon after coming out of the house with Kat.

"Yeah," Farley's hand still rest inside of Kat's, "Where pool?"

"I put it away, we'll get it out tomorrow, okay sweets?"

Sighing Farley looked down at her toes, "Otay," Her soft child like voice whispered.

"Don't be sad, Mommy will bring it out tomorrow, how about we all play ball for a while?" Kat asked in hopes of raising the little girls spirits.

Jude, Farley and Kat all sat down in a circle on the grass, as the sun began to set. Still bright enough to stay out, yet dark enough to prove the day was turning into evening, a game of pass the ball started. Blue from Blue's Clues rolled back and forth over the green grass. Farley loved the blue dog, almost as much as she loved "Baby Doll" her favorite show to watch on Nickelodeon was _Blue's Clues _having the dish set and toys were her favorite treasures. Jude and Tommy had to replace Farley's blue ball every other week, depending on how often she would pop them. Tommy had purchased the newest ball just days ago, Farley had rolled it over a sharp rock, the air took no longer than five minutes to seep from the ball, leaving a deflated Blue, and a broken hearted Farley. Big alligator like tears had slipped from her eyes, Tommy had been watching her at the time, he jumped up kissed his daughters cheek before rushing off to buy her a new ball. Never one to stand the sight of his daughters crying eyes.

_Thinking back, I hate that ball, I wish Tommy never would have gotten Farley a new one. Wouldn't life be better, wouldn't my life still be whole? Only if that ball would never have been purchased. The same blue ball that made my daughter smile, was the same ball that made my daughter die…_

"How's New York this time of the year?" Jude asked Kat as she pushed the ball towards her.

"Oh you know, beautiful."

"I'm so jealous, I never made it down there after I got married."

"You guys should plan a trip, I'd love to have Farley sleep over," Catching the ball Kat smiled over at Farley before softly pushing the ball towards her, "Wouldn't you like that sweet cheeks?"

Nodding her small blonde head Farley stopped the ball before lifting it up to her mouth.

"No Far, yucky," Reaching over Jude paused the ball before Farley could suck on it, "Play with it, don't eat it! Silly girl."

"Eat it? Mama funny," Lifting her arms Farley chucked the ball at Jude's head. Laughing when Jude yelped, "Mama owie?"

Kat chuckled, causing Jude to glare over at her, "Did Daddy tell you to do that as well?"

"No."

"Figures, you probably learned that from him!"

"Aw, come on Jude, you have to admit that was pretty funny."

"Yeah, _ha ha_, you try getting hit in the head daily by some toy or another."

"You know what Farley Bear," Kat slid over to sit next to her Goddaughter before whispering loudly enough for Jude to hear, "Mama is funny."

"Team up with the little monster!" Jude smiled before picking up the ball and tossing it over to Kat.

_Soon after my life stopped. Soon after I learned a lesson in tragedy. Soon after my heart was ripped apart and my happy family was destroyed. The three of us played for a while longer before Farley decided she wanted to play on her own. Baby Doll was lonely, according to my daughter, so her and blue took off to play with the still damp doll. Kat and I had picked up the remainder of the pool toys before taking a seat in the fold up chairs I had sitting out._

_I always kept an eye on her, I always knew what she was doing… Countless times Tommy and I would sit outside talking while our daughter played in the yard. That day Kat had been filling me in on the fashion gossip, we had been laughing and joking about models. Farley had been running back and forth kicking her ball, playing with Baby. My eyes on her, my ears for Kat. I was doing good…or so I thought._

"I still can't believe you are a mother," Kat voiced from next to Jude.

"Sometimes I can't believe it either, I always liked kids, but who would have thought I'd be the first one to have one?"

"True, true," Kat looked over to Jude, meeting her best friends eyes, "You and Tommy are doing a great job."

Hiding a smile Jude sighed, "I'm so happy Kat."

"I can tell, Tom's happy too, every time I talk to him on the phone he can't stop gushing about you and the baby."

"That's my husband for you."

"Now I'm the one who's jealous."

"Your time is coming," Reaching over Jude squeezed Kats hand.

"I hope so."

"It is," Jude and Kat shared a smile, "It is, I can feel it."

"Mommy! Ball, play ball," Farley ran towards Jude and Kat, chasing after her ball.

"In a minute sweets," Farley stopped in front of Jude, hugging her moms legs.

"Pwease?" Her blue eyes begged for Jude to play with her. Another trait she picked up from Tommy. He always had a way of getting what he wanted, all with one look. Farley mastered it.

"Okay, okay how can I say no?"

_Kat had laughed, I knew she was laughing at how quickly I gave in. But come on, who could honestly say no to those precious eyes? After I said yes she had grinned at me before jumping in excitement. I scooped her up and planted a sloppy kiss on her forehead before standing up. Farley hugged my neck, the last time I would ever receive one of her hugs. If I would have known that would be the last I would have never put her down. I never would have picked that damn ball up._

_Ten minutes I kicked the ball to her, Kat sat and watched. I heard my camera go off a few times, guessing my best friend was capturing the mother daughter play time. To this day I still have not looked through them. I can't, it hurts too much, I have my daughters images embedded in my head, I see her everyday, the way she looked that day, the way she looked after._

_Blue had rolled to the other side of the yard, Far had squealed in delight before taking off to fetch her prized ball. While she was chasing after it I turned my smiling face over to Kat. She winked up at me before smiling. I loved Kat so much, she always had been my best friend, always would be. But that smile and that wink cost me everything, while my eyes were on her, my daughter was out of my care…that spilt second changed everything._

_All I can remember is a blur, fuzzy images and a broken heart… Far reached her ball, instead of picking it up she kicked it towards the street. That second my eyes were on Kat, she ran after it. I knew something was wrong when Kat jumped out of her chair. My heart stopped when I followed her eyes, just in time to see the ball rolling into the street, my daughter not far behind it._

"_Farley!" I yelled, running after her, "No baby stop!" I repeated those words over and over as my legs carried me in her direction. Kat had yelled the same things from beside me. We both took off chasing after the small child. It was too late, she didn't listen._

_The car came out of no where, one moment the street was empty, the next… I don't know, I heard it before I saw it, Kat started screaming, everything turned slow motion. My legs were moving but I felt as if I was going no where. Farley kept getting farther and farther away from me. Panic flooded through me, but it was too late. Far wandered into the street, still too young to comprehend what "Look both way's" meant. _

_Squealing tires and that horrible crash echo still in my head, the lullaby that sings me to sleep every night. Screaming filled the air, was it mine? Was it Kat's? I can't remember. I made it out to the street, Farley was laying there, blue not too far away from her. I collapsed next to her. Blood was everywhere, her face was bloody. Her sweet beautiful face…I-I can't erase that image, her eyes were closed, yet she was still alive. I felt her wrist, her pulse points, life still beat into her, barely, but enough._

_Blurry, fuzzy, I really don't remember anything else from that moment, I believe someone pulled me away from her. After 911 was called Far was rushed to the hospital, I was allowed to ride in the back. She was taken into the Emergency Room… one of her white sandals had fallen off, I do recall picking it up, thinking she would need it when we came home. I had kissed her forehead before she went in, blood had come away on my lips, my babies blood. Her blonde curls matted, her pink flowered shirt ripped, her small hand was bruised…as she was taken away I never thought she would die._

_Kat had called Tommy, he rushed to the hospital, but it was too late, by the time he got there, the doctors were coming out to deliver the news. Tommy and I were pulled away, away to a room where we could meet privately with the head doctor._

"_We did everything we could," As Tommy's hand clasped on to mine, the doctor had cleared his throat before continuing, "The trauma to her head was too grave, I'm afraid we lost her."_

_We lost her…I lost her, Tommy lost her. I lost it all._

_Standing there in that cold lonely room my heart had completely fallen apart, a start to a life I never wished to live._

_Farley Christine Quincy, just two years old, my daughter, my everything, was dead._


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, WOW, the reviews were totally awesome! I was not expecting so many! Thank you guys so much! I never knew this story would be taken so well. I had this idea, and well here we go. lol. This chapter is in Jude's narration again. I love writing for her, I guess being female it's easier to sink into her mind. Tommy's will be in the next chapter. This is still one year before the first chapter, I want to get through the funeral, then I'll have to see where I'm lead to write after that. I wont have the narration be so much of the chapters once I take this back to present day.**

**Again thanks for the reviews, I hop you enjoy chapter three!**

**Chapter Three**

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"Mom, I'm fine" Jude repeated for a number she could not remember.

"Jude, honey come on you're exhausted," Victoria Harrison spoke as she followed Jude into the kitchen. She had been trailing behind her daughter for an hour, trying to get her to take a break.

"I feel fine, so why don't you let me work?"

"You are not fine, you haven't slept in three days," Letting her hand rest on top of Jude's Victoria continued, "Sadie's here, dad is here, even your friends are here. Let us help you."

Jude looked up into her moms eyes before shaking her head in answer. Three days had passed since Farley died, she had been running around non stop getting things ready for the funeral. Stopping would mean she would have to deal with the news. Her head and heart hurt too bad to stop, hurt too much to accept the loss of her daughter.

"I need to do this," Jude's eyes pleaded as she stared across at her mom, "_Please_, I need to do this on my own."

"Baby, we only want to help."

"I know. You guys are, but right now I need to be the one to take care of things."

Sliding her hand out from Victoria's Jude turned and walked out of the room. The day after Farley was killed Victoria had arrived, in tears, Jude had been devastated at the sight. Her mom was trying to be a support, but following Jude around begging for her to rest, to sit down, to pass the details off on someone else, Jude was losing her patience.

There was still so much to take care of. Farley's funeral was set for the next day, Jude still had yet to pick out an outfit for her daughter to be buried in, she had yet to finalize the words that would be written on the headstone. Tommy tried to help her but Jude pushed him away, she could not deal with him arguing over what Farley should wear. There were so many options, so, so many. She had picked out a white dress Farley had worn for pictures, spaghetti strapped with small pink flowers embroidered on the bodice. Once she pulled the dress off the hanger the scent of her daughter filled the air around her, Jude lost it, she clutched the dress to her heart, crying over the loss.

Farley had only worn the dress once, Jude and Tommy had taken her shortly after her second birthday to get professional pictures done. Farley clad only in her dress and pink bloomers to match the flowers had grinned her way through the film. She had her parents natural ability to turn it up for the cameras.

Her dress had made it's way back into her small closet, Jude didn't have the heart to let it go, same with every other article of clothing Farley wore. They held too much sentimental value to Jude. They smelled too much like her daughter to let go. One day Jude knew her daughters sweet smell would disappear completely, the thought of hurrying the process broke her to a place she never wanted to be.

_Farley gone? I couldn't believe it. Had the doctor, who I later learned was Dr. Casey really just told me my daughter had died? Tommy's hand had tightened around mine, I couldn't bring myself to look up at him. I stared at Dr. Casey in shock, shaking my head in disbelief._

"_What?" I asked in pure confusion, "Tell me you're joking!" All he had done was stare back at me in quiet sympathy. How could he sympathize? Had he just lost his child? Had he witnessed his baby whisper her last words? I think not. How dare he! I saw his mouth moving but any sound fell on my deaf ears, all I could hear were the tires, the screams, and the words, "We lost her."_

"Jude?" Sadie watched her sister pace the house back and forth, forth and back, the process continued on and on. Jude thought she was getting things accomplished but her mind was running too rapidly. Sadie's own heart was broken, her sweet beautiful niece was gone. She never imagined loving a child as much as she loved her sisters. Farley had been a true blessing to anyone who came in contact with her. Her easy grin, chubby cheeks, angelic voice, Sadie loved everything about her. The news had come an hour after the accident… she ran red lights, broke many traffic laws to get to the hospital, but she was too late, Farley was already gone. Sadie was whisked into the room Jude and Tommy sat in, no sound met her as she carefully stepped into the small cold room. Tommy had his arm wrapped around Jude, his other hand squeezing hers tightly. Jude's body shook but no cries came out. Sadie had rushed over and enveloped her baby sister in a hug, sobbing into Jude's shoulder. It was real, her niece was dead and her sister was dying.

"Jude?" Repeating her question Sadie stood up and walked over to her sister, "I know you don't want any help, but I was thinking I could maybe go and pick out something for Far to wear."

"Would you?" Jude asked solemnly.

"Of course, if you don't mind," Trailing off Sadie cleared her throat, "I just thought it would help you out and all."

"Yeah Sades," Jude smiled weakly at her sister, "That would be great."

Sadie's eyebrows shot up in surprise, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I-I tried to find something but I can't."

_I couldn't bring myself to pick out an outfit for my daughter to be buried in. I watched many movies about someone dying and the parents having to find something for their child to wear. You never think about how hard that one decision could be until you experience it yourself. I had three other outfits laid out to debate over but each one brought back so many memories. So many pictures of Farley running around wearing just a simple pair of shorts and stained t-shirt._

_Sadie's idea had been wonderful at the time, she had been brave enough to ask to help. My mom still followed me around trying to get me to at least sit for a while, Sadie on the other hand had given up after I yelled at her. Minutes after asking me, she and Kat had taken off to pick out a burial outfit. Tommy had been fine with them going out, I made sure to ask him first, we hadn't talked much since Far died. It hurt too badly to see him. _

_After Sadie showed up at the hospital, she cried for a few minutes before the three of us made our way out of the room, Kat met us in the hall way, it had taken one glance at us for the news to hit her. I give her credit for taking it as well as she did, she had nodded at me before holding her hand up and signing that she loved me. Simplest of gestures, yet one that still warms my heart to this day. My best friend loved me, and somehow I knew that I loved her too, even though I felt as if I had died in that accident along with Farley Bear._

_Tommy and I were taken into the room that our daughter was in, my hand never left his as we entered the small emergency room. Farley's body had been covered with a white sheet, tucked gently underneath her chin. Her beautiful face had been cleaned off. The blood from the accident washed away, I was so grateful, not for me but for my husband. I knew if he had seen her the way I had he'd had crumbled right before my eyes. He did gasp at the sight of her, I did too, but mine was no where near as heart wrenching as his. _

_Farley's pale face, her light pink lips, her soft button nose, her blonde curly hair, her sweet ears, her precious neck… the one I loved to kiss repeatedly just to get a rise out of her. How many times would she giggle and kiss me back, proclaiming I was funny? God I miss her. _

_She looked so peaceful, as if she were sleeping. All the nights I would stand in her room just staring at her as she slept, Tommy always did the same. He never could get over the fact that she was his daughter. He loved her so much. His hand had let mine go as he approached the small bed, I couldn't move so I watched in morbid fascination as my husband gently pulled the white sheet off her small body. Her little legs had cuts on them, her feet were bare. Where had her other shoe gone? I had the one, the nurses had removed her shoe upon entering the hospital. My eyes filled with tears when he began to trail kisses across her wounds, he always had whenever she would hurt herself. Daddy always made it better. Farley never would cry as long as her daddy would kiss it to make it better._

_The kisses soon moved up to her hands, kissing each finger before he brought his lips to her cheek. It hurt so bad, I hurt all over watching as he silently said goodbye to her. I had made my way over to the bed opposite Tommy. He kept his eyes on Farley…gently his finger slid though her blonde curls, before he began to cry. A sight I never had bare witness to, ever. He sobbed once into the room before hugging on to her small body. I lost it then, I cried with him, hurrying over to him I wrapped my arms around him as he held our daughter against his chest. His cries echoed with mine as we began to mourn the loss of our baby._

_One nurse had stepped into the room letting us know that we had to leave. Why? Why did I have to be told when I had to leave my daughter? How fair was that? I should have been allowed more time with her, she had just died, give parents a break! Before walking away I kissed Farley's forehead, like I often did, whispering to her how much I loved her. She was my heart, always would be. Tommy did the same before we were escorted out of the room. Sent away to return to the place where everything changed for the worse._

Sadie and Kat left the Quincy's house in search of an outfit for Farley to be buried in, Jude had willingly agreed to let them choose something. Tommy had been fine with it as well, he had been busy handling phone calls. Most from family and friends, some from newspapers and reporters wanting the scoop on the grieving parents. Some days he despised being a celebrity, all he wanted to do that day was grieve privately, not have his blood shot eyes pictured all over the entertainment magazines.

Tommy with the help from Jude's parents had arranged the funeral, Jude had been too upset to even talk about details. His heart broke every time he walked into a room and saw her hollow eyes. Jude put up a strong facade in front of her family, everyone knew she was falling apart inside. He heard her crying during the night, had found her each night since Farley's death lying in his daughter's small bed. Tommy tried to go into the room to comfort his wife but the sight of Farley's toys scattered on the floor was too painful for him.

Stuart and Victoria kept the house up, making sure food that was sent over to the Quincy's was stored properly. Victoria even going as far as putting some of it into the freezer, saving it for a later date. Sadie, Kat and Jamie tried their best to help with anything they could. Jude was stubborn, only allowing her family to help when she had previously tried and failed. Jude was trying to keep herself busy, even though her body was screaming at her to rest.

"Jude, honey?"

"Yeah mom?" Bringing her right hand to the back of her neck Jude asked as she slowly began to massage her achy muscles.

"Sadie and Kat are back," Victoria paused as her eldest daughter walked through the front door, "I was just wondering if you wanted me to take care of something while you know, talked to them?"

"Um, ask Tommy, he might need something."

Victoria nodded before leaving her daughter alone. Sadie and Kat made their way over to her, Jude felt like running, she knew what they were doing. They had bought an outfit, she could see the bag in Sadie's hand. Her baby girl was really dead. Biting her lip she stepped into the hallway.

"Find something?" She choked out.

"Yeah," Came Sadie's sad reply, "Want to see it?"

"If not, we can show you later," Kat rushed to put in as Jude's eyes clouded over with unshed tears.

_It took me an hour before I found the courage to open the bag. Sadie and Kat followed me up the stairs into my bedroom, we all sat on my bed, just sitting in silence. There was no words that could be said to make the situation better. The small plastic bag lay there in the middle mocking me, daring me to peek inside. I kept looking down at it, running my shaky hand over the opening before chickening out and pulling away. My sister and best friend never pressured me to open it, deep down they must have known just seeing the bag was ripping me apart._

_Sixty minutes ticked away before I let out a sigh, scaring the two other women in the room. I smiled weakly at the two of them before I brought the bag to rest on my lap. Slowly I pulled out the small hanger, revealing the outfit Farley would be wearing the next day, and the days forever afterward._

_I almost laughed at what I saw… A denim squirt, light pink short sleeved shirt with small cherries all over. The bottom of the bag held a box with baby sized pink Converse sneakers. Almost meant I cried instead, small tears fell from my eyes as I took in the outfit. Something in which I would have dressed Far in all the time, an outfit in which she would have loved. She took after her parents need to wear casual clothing. No frilly dresses, nothing of the sorts, a simple outfit._

"_It's perfect," I hoarsely spoke into the room. Sadie and Kat shared a small smile before reaching over to hug me._

_Tommy loved what they had picked out as well, he had joined us in the room shortly after I opened the bag. He sat next to me on the bed, running his hand over the small sized clothes before nodding his acceptance. Sadie and Kat had left the room afterwards, wandering off I know to leave me alone with my husband._

_We never did say anything, one thing about us, we never needed words to express our feelings. A gift we had been given upon meeting one another. All it took was a look and we knew what the other was thinking. His eyes had met mine, letting me see the pain and love that he stored there. I hoped I returned those gestures, for all I could feel was nothing… nothing but agony, nothing by emptiness._

_That night after everyone had settled in to sleep, I made my way into Farley's room, like I had since the accident, I curled up on her bed, letting my face feel her small pillow against my skin. The softness greeted me as I buried my face deeper into the pillowcase breathing in the smell of baby shampoo and lotion. Far's smell was always so sweet._

_For the third night in a row I let the haunting sounds of that fateful day ring in my ears, I let the scenes play out in my mind…I let the lullaby of hell sing me to my nightmares._


	4. Chapter 4

**Once again I want to thank everyone for all the awesome comments! It really means a lot that you guys are touched by what I write. This story is fast becoming near and dear to me, everyday I find myself thinking in the mind of Jude or Tommy, wanting to express how they would feel under these circumstances. **

**This chapter is finally in Tommy's narration! Most of it is actually indeed him talking. It's time to get his pov. I hope you guys like it!**

**Chapter Four**

_I'm Tommy Quincy, most know me as "Tommy Q" boy-bander and heartthrob. I got my start by joining a boy band cleverly named "Boyz Attack!" We toured for years, I thought I had the whole "Sex, drugs, and rock and roll" down to a T… Did I? I don't think I did. I found myself turning to alcohol at a young age, married and divorced before I even had the chance to say, "I do" and a reputation as the "Ass shaking one." I look back on those days in utter embarrassment, even now just hearing someone say, "Hey Tommy Q!" bugs the hell out me… but isn't that how I met my wife? I remember watching her from the second floor of G Major complaining about who her producer was going to be. I thought she was some young diva wanna-be. She proved me wrong, oh did she prove me wrong._

_The pier changed everything between us, an innocent meeting, just picking her up from school to show her how to change her song for the better. That's all it took… that and me having my arms wrapped around her. Something clicked that day, a feeling of warmth I had never felt before. I know she felt it too. When she looked up at me, her eyes said it all, she let me see who she was, who she wanted to be. Did I show her the same feelings? I can't remember, I only remember my breathing stopped while my heart skipped a beat. I was in danger, the red flag had been waved. _

_I tried to ignore the feelings that were fast developing for her, nothing helped. I tried to put distance between us, but then again how does that quote go, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" So that was a bust. I was screwed…Or was I blessed? I think the latter, Jude was the best thing to ever happen to me._

_After we married it took some time getting accustomed to sharing everything with someone else, especially for a guy who had been on his own since childhood. Eventually we fell into a comfortable life, that meaning we had to deal with spending twenty-four seven with one another. I love my wife, but who honestly wants to spend every waking moment with someone? Jude would say the same thing, she complained, even threatened to get a new producer sometimes. Stubborn as all get out, so am I. She drove me crazy, I drove her crazy, we were perfect for one another. _

_Then she got pregnant, could I be happier? I didn't think I could, but I was, Farley was my heart, daddy's girl for sure. A life I never thought "Tommy Q" would have, was suddenly mine, and I never wanted it to change. I had it all, a wife I loved, a daughter I was crazy about, and the best job in the world. Some things are way too good to be true._

_My life changed the day my daughter was killed… I changed, Jude changed, and our marriage changed. This is the story of how I went from being a happy man to a man on the verge of losing it all._

Grey skies, dark clouds, chilly breeze, the weather fit the mood of the warm summer day. Thunder storms were moving in, crashing down on city after city, Toronto was the next stop. Sun rays beamed through the darkened fluffy clouds, casting the streets below in an eerie glow. Trees and flowers of all kinds stood out in their bright colors against the gloomy canvas. Mountains and hills in the distance seemed almost larger than normal against the moody feel of life below. Air blew in cold gusts, sending the silent town into ghostly whooshes, kicking up leaves, sending them rolling across sidewalks, twirling into the yards of houses on the block.

A tapping sound filled Tommy's ear as he mutely stood outside the large church, staring up at the sky, wondering when the rain would begin to fall, washing away the pain his heart was feeling. The sound grew louder and louder as he recognized the sound of heels connecting with the cement paved walkway, he kept his head facing the clouds as the sound drew to a stop and a heavy weight rest against his shoulder.

"Tommy?" The intruder asked.

"Hmm?" Tommy responded finally pulling his gaze away from the gloomy sky, facing his father-in-law.

"Jude's waiting inside," Stuart sadly spoke, his eyes filling with unshed tears, "We should go in now."

"Okay," Tommy chocked as he looked up into the sky once more before following Stuart into the church.

_I stepped into the church that afternoon not knowing how I was going to live, it hurt so bad, even blinking my eyes seemed to use up energy. Family and close friends were already seated inside the small cathedral styled church. All rows were filled with crying eyes, those eyes that still haunt me to this day. I made my way slowly down the isle taking in each mourner, trying to find strength from them as I passed. Stuart led me to the front row, Jude was seated on the isle seat. Victoria and Sadie sat next to her, they all turned their tear stained faces up to me as I quietly stood before them._

_Without speaking all three women slid down the bench, making room for me to sit next to my wife. I took my seat, instantly feeling my heart break another piece as Jude's cold hand slipped inside of mine. We hadn't spent much time together since Farley's death, I know Jude was trying to stay strong, so was I, seeing each other, seeing the sadness would only make it more real. A fact neither one of us had been ready to deal with._

_Not long after the funeral began, poetic in most rights, beautiful and haunting. I took in each word everyone had to say, letting the meaning speak to me in ways I never imagined words could. Jude had wanted this to be a dedication to the two short years our daughter had lived. Everyone that came was asked to write down a paragraph expressing something they loved most about Farley._

"_Her heart, she had my daughter's heart," Victoria had begun as her turn to speak came around, "Whenever Farley looked up at me I always felt my heart blossom with love. She reminded me so much of Jude as a baby, she showed me what it was like to love that much again. All with just her beautiful presence. I'll treasure her always."_

_Several times I felt myself ready to burst out on sobs, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted my daughter…and all I was left with was a stack of papers saying how much they loved who she was. I had my paper neatly folded in my suit pocket, I had tried making it a paragraph but I ended up with pages of "Why I love my daughter." Jude had the same, when her turn came to step up and speak I noticed the handful of papers she clutched weakly in her hand._

_Her hand fell from mine as she stood up, Stuart stood as well helping my wife to her feet, it was then that I took notice of how frail she looked. Jude was always strong, it was like being slapped across the face. Her eyes were empty, her hands shook, her body was thinner, her skin pale, I had never seen her that way…Stuart helped her up to the microphone where she stood for a moment before sighing. Everyone around me paused as Jude carefully unfolded her pieces of paper._

"_My mom once told me that when I had children I would feel whole. I always laughed thinking she must be crazy," I had sat in pure hell watching Jude hoarsely read from her sheets, she spoke each word as if the next one would be her last… "After I married I felt whole, so how could it be any better? That lasted until the day Farley was born. Mom," Jude said as her gaze fell on Victoria's, "You were right. After she was handed to me, I felt whole. I felt alive. I felt everything I always dreamed about feeling. She wasn't even an hour old and I knew things couldn't get any better. I tried coming up with just one thing I loved most about her, but I couldn't."_

_I was mesmerized, here Jude was falling apart inside and she still had the courage to stand in front of a roomful of people and talk as if she were fine. My eyes clouded over with tears when her gaze landed on me, as if she were seeking a silent strength only I could provide. I nodded in her direction before she continued._

"_Farley was sweet, kind, beautiful, funny, passionate… She loved life. She wanted to spend her hours playing outside, finding bugs, playing in her pool, chasing butterflies. One of her favorite things to do was look up at the stars at night. Something Tommy always did with her when she was an infant. After she was born when she would cry he would take her outside. Her eyes taking in the thousands of stars that filled the sky. I always joked that she cried on purpose, just so her dad would take her out. She loved being outside. Farley was relaxed, special, easy going, precious. She was a beautiful gift. The most special, one I will always hold close to my heart. Farley Bear." _

_Her voice started to crack, my heart began to slow in pace, I couldn't control my emotions. I slowly stood up and walked over to where my wife was standing. Clutching on to her hand I slowly ran my other over the small of her back as I leaned into the microphone. Without reaching for the piece of paper in my pocket I spoke from my heart._

"_Farley Bear was everything a father could ask for, and more. After she was born I fell in love, I had been falling in love through out Jude's pregnancy, but I fell completely the first time I laid eyes on her," I paused then and looked into Jude's eyes. Pulling her closer I spoke to her, I whispered to the room, "When she smiled her whole face lit up, her eyes sparkled, her lips so sweet, her nose slightly flared. When she spoke her voice was angelic, babyish and perfect. When she laughed her eyes danced, the sound filling my heart. When she cried, I cried. When her small hands would slip into mine I would feel as if life could not get any better. When she would run through the house her small feet padding against the carpet, her chubby legs taking her wherever she desired, her diapered rear waddling. She was perfect. There's not one thing I did not love about her. So to ask what I loved most about her, well my answer would have to be 'Everything.'"_

Dark skies darkened in color as the church doors slowly opened. One by one mournful attendee's stepped out into the eerie day. Slowly each person walked down the church walkway before stopping. Two single file rows had been formed, leaving the walk way open. As if on cue they all turned to face the open doors, some sniffing from previous tears . Silence filled the gap, all waiting for the moment, a moment in which one child would be laid down for her final resting place.

Clouds drifted in vast shades of dark, gloomy, depressed flashes, lining the skies expanse. Light mist fell from the heavens, falling down to earth in lazy drops, one by one connecting with life below before drying up. Thunder rolled softly in the distance breaking the silent gaps with roars of pain. A day in which one little girl was being laid to rest, a day in which life paused, shadowing the normal bright day with a peaceful, mourn filled song of goodbye.

Silently each person standing along the pathway held their breath as commotion from inside the church brought their attention to a standstill. Seconds passed before four men appeared in the doorway, each helping to lift the small white casket, carrying a special angel inside.

_Stuart, Kwest and Jamie each agreed to be pallbearers along with me. I knew I wanted to be one of the men who would be carrying my daughters casket to the hearse. There was no way I could stand by and watch as some other man filled my place. My heart was hardly able to pump life into me as it was but I managed to summon enough strength to make it down the walk way. I had to, for Farley._

Flowers of every color lay tied in a white ribbon, resting gently on top of the white casket. The wind from the warm and oddly chilly day ruffled the green leaves, playing with each petal, lifting and carrying the scent of beauty. Jude and Tommy's best friends stood in front, while Tommy and Stuart stood in back, each painfully and lovingly holding the casket as they made their way down the church steps. Passing family and friends who looked on with tears in their eyes, broken pieces of life falling away.

_I remember hearing thunder in the distance, every rumble in the sky rocked into my body. Comforting me in ways I never knew it could. Brahms Lullaby softy hummed in my head…it was time for me to rock my baby to sleep, this time forever._

_When we reached the end of the walkway the hearse was already waiting with the back door opened. It took no longer than a minute to position the tiny casket into place. The same one that my precious baby slept in. I started to cry then, standing their looking in. My body shook with sobs, but no sound came out. Kwest had pulled me into a hug, a hug in which spoke volumes of just how good of friends we were._

Gazes darted from the hearse to three women standing mid way down the church path. Jude stood mournfully watching as her husband, father, and two friends pushed her daughters casket into the back of the car. The bouquet of flowers slid back and forth before settling once again in the center. Jude had not been able to choose just one flower or color so she picked many kinds knowing Farley would be happy with the arrangement. Roses, Daisies, Lilies and Carnations, varying from pinks and reds to Alstroemria, Gerberas, Snapdragons and Larkspurs in blue's and white then Lavender and Sunflowers in yellow, were some of the summer flowers resting on top. Summer being the season for which Farley loved best. Her blue pool, running through the grass, staying up late watching the stars in the sky.

Victoria and Sadie stood on each side of Jude, each helping their daughter and sister make her way down the path as she looked on, watching in agony the car that would be driving off with her daughter.

_Jude and I followed behind the hearse in our own car, as the thunder rolled, lightning began to flash in the sky. I like to think of heaven taking pictures, pictures of my daughter laughing and smiling wherever she was._

_Our funeral procession ended at the cemetery, all of our family and friends joined us as Farley was buried, a single rose was placed on her coffin as it neared earth's hands. A single tear escaped my eye…it was then that I said goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye my baby girl._

_Brahms Lullaby once again hums throughout my head, this time with words, haunting me wherever I am._

"**_Lullaby and good night, with roses bedight  
With lilies o'er spread is baby's wee bed  
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed  
Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed…"_**


	5. Chapter 5

**It's been a while, but I'm back with an update. Last week I was at Wal-Mart looking for a cd and I flip right on to "Songs From Instant Star- Two" I couldn't believe what I was holding, I literally gasped in the isle gaining looks from the other shoppers. Needless to say I bought it and it's totally awesome!**

**Thanks for all the encouraging comments, you guys are truly making my head fill up! Now on to the chapter….This one is entirely in narration. I believe the next chapter will be as well. There's nothing really needing to happen except for what I have written so I hope you guys don't mind. I want to keep it in the year before the first chapter until I build up enough information on Jude and Tommy's marriage falling apart. After that the narrations will be there but not as heavily in the chapter.**

**Chapter Five**

****

_Not long after the funeral I began to see her. Farley was everywhere; my dreams, my thoughts, my nightmares, all day long she was there. I had dreams of her in black and white starting the night after she was killed. I remember reading articles about dreams after a loved one passes away; everyone interviewed had at least one dream of some point in their life--- the dream being in black and white, flashing like a silent movie._

_Farley's first bath, she was three weeks old, her umbilical cord had finally fallen off--- bath time was coming. Like any excited parent Tommy had called in late that morning to work, not wanting to miss out on the special moment. With the water just right in the small baby tub we had sitting in the kitchen sink, Farley was gently placed into the warm shallow water. Tommy followed my every move catching the moment on video tape. Far screamed, her fists balled and firing in every which direction, her face red and angry. I was terrified, thinking I was doing something wrong, but with Tommy's encouragement Far's bath was a success. Afterwards she smelt so sweet, that very scent I long for every second I'm still alive. Baby lotion, powder and her natural beauty. Dressed in a little white shirt with bright red strawberries on it and a pair of red and white checkered bloomers, Farley was adorable. Tommy and I had taken turns burying our noses into the soft curve of her neck, spreading kisses across her cheeks. Thinking back on that day, the image of Tommy cradling Farley in his arms, I don't think I ever felt more in love than I did that day._

_Farley's first smile, first giggle. Hearing her laugh always warmed my heart. Her first jar of baby food. Bananas. Flying the small spoon of food towards Farley's mouth had been an experience--- She looked up at me like I was crazy. I ended up wearing most of the jar-full at the end of that try. Her first tooth. Many lost hours of sleep. Teething was a painful time for the three of us. Tommy would let Far suck on his fingers, that lasted until she bit him, after that we resorted to freezing the round teething rings for Far to chomp down on._

_Crawling for the first time, Farley took off one day and never stopped. By the time she was eleven months old she was walking around the coffee table and couch--- She took her first steps away on her own one evening after Tommy came in from work. I had been in the other room getting her bath ready, I heard Tommy come in so I rushed out of the room to greet him when Farley stepped away, only clad in her diaper. She took two steps then a couple more, she kept taking them, waddling and almost falling once before she fell into Tommy's arms. Tommy never looked more proud._

"_D-did you see that?" Tommy had asked in pure excitement, "She **walked!" **_

_Squealing in delight I ran over to them giddy with elation, "She walked!" _

_Tommy's sunglasses slid back and forth on his head as he nodded in amazement, "Wow."_

"_Mommy's so proud," Reaching up I kissed Farley's forehead loudly, gaining a small giggle from her in return._

"_She just walked into my arms._

"_I know."_

"_You know what this means?" Tommy asked winking down at me before planting a kiss on our daughters cheeks._

"_What?"_

"_You owe me dinner."_

_Shamelessly Tommy and I had betting wars over our daughter. We took it to an all time high when Farley spoke her first word. "Da-da." Tommy wanted her to say it, I wanted her first word to be, "Ma-ma," I tried effortlessly to coach her into saying it, but in the end Tommy won. I was thrilled though, my baby speaking her first word, no matter what it was, it was amazing, and I was proud beyond words. Tommy gloated non-stop, so we struck up another battle of the bet's… whoever could get Farley to say a new word owed the other a dinner. I'm sure using your children like that is wrong in many ways, but, it kept our marriage exciting. The cooking lessons my mom paid for me to take after I married Tommy paid off greatly._

_Farley's first birthday. Her cake, we made sure she had her own very special one. Vanilla cake done up fancy in blue frosting is deadly when it is cake to a one year old. Cake had been everywhere, the high-chair, the floor, my daughters entire body, and my husband. I warned Tommy not to stand too close to Far after we sang the dreaded, "Happy Birthday" song to her, yet he did anyway. She managed to get cake all over his face and humorously all in his hair. I took enough pictures of Tommy's perfectly styled hair coated in cake and blue frosting to fill an album._

_Trips to the park, lazy days at home, watching cartoons. Farley's beautiful smile, her easy baby toothed grin. Chubby cheeks, button nose, big blue eyes, her blonde curls. Small hugs, wet kisses, her tiny hand holding mine. The sound of her diaper shifting as she walked, her mischievous grin before doing something she shouldn't._

_All of those memories, all of those days in which I had never been happier filled my dreams. Pictures sliding in chorographical order--- black and white--- The story of my Farley Bears short life, flashing before they ended. Flashing hauntingly. It hurt to wake up, realizing that she was really gone and I would never get those memories back-- would never have new ones to live out._

_The first few weeks after my daughter died my marriage began to slip away. A bond that had been held together tightly, slowly unraveled. I was devastated, I took Farley's death horribly. She was everything to me, my heart, my soul, then one day it was all gone. I had no idea how to breathe on my own. I spent hours of the night rolled in a ball on her small bed, clutching on to anything that reminded me of my baby. Her blanket, her stuffed animals, clothes, pictures, anything I could touch that she touched. After the dreams started I began seeing her… I could be anywhere and there she was. Like she had never died. _

"_Mommy ball," Standing at the bottom of the stairs, holding on to her blue ball, dressed in the outfit she was buried in, "Play with me."_

_The first time I saw her she had been standing there, like she had in the past, wanting me to play with her. Innocent, her curls bouncing in her excitement, my excitement at seeing her again._

"_Okay," I had whispered as I began to run down the stairs, as if I couldn't get to her fast enough, "I missed you baby," Reaching the bottom of the steps I reached my arms out to pick her up but she was gone. I ran dizzily through the house searching for her, but like always, she never came back._

_When I slept I felt her there with me, one night I could feel her small hands on my face, she had always done that when she was alive. Play with my hair, trail her tiny fingers over my nose and lips. It felt so real, I longed for it to be._

_Three weeks passed and I was seeing her more often, each encounter growing more and more heart breaking. She went from asking me to play with her to asking me to help her. I would hear her calling out to me, crying for me to save her. From what? The car? From something else? I followed her voice, frantically searching. Why I kept thinking I would find her I'll never figure out, but I did._

"_Pwease Mommy," Farley cried, "Help me," Her voice so small and scared._

"_I'm coming baby," Tossing my purse down into the grocery cart I had been pushing I took off at a desperate speed in search of her. _

_With the encouragement of my family I had left the house that day to restock the food Tommy and I were in need of. It had been relaxing to step into the real world after being away for so many weeks. Fans even stopped to talk to me, some asking for an autograph, even a picture, most though just wanted a chance to tell me how much I was loved and how much Tommy was thought of. I made it towards the produce isle when Farley showed up. Her small voice calling out to me, crying for help. I had stopped dead in my tracks, instinctively talking back to the voice, encouraging my daughter to keep talking. Anything to show me where she was._

_Walking past other shoppers as they stopped to stare at me, I kept up my pace as isle after isle passed beneath my feet and I was still no closer to finding my daughter._

"_Farley!" I shouted, "Please talk to me, mommy can't find you."_

_Tears stung my eyes, using the back of my hands I violently brushed them off while shoving past customers. Unaware at the time what a scene I was causing. Minutes passed before her voice became closer… **Isle Five**, the cereal isle. I'll never forget it. That was the day the search for my daughter took a turn for the worse._

"_Mommy!" Farley cried._

"_I'm coming baby," I started pulling box after box of various kinds of cereals off the shelves, tossing them carelessly on to the ground. Crying and calling out to my dead daughter, screaming for her to help me find her. Farley was scared and I was on the verge of falling apart, just to save her._

_Some people scattered out of the isle, afraid I had lost my mind, others stared in shock, gasping at the scene unfolding in front of them. I felt as if I were alone, haunted by the shrill cries my daughter was calling. Desperately clearing the shelves of their contents I moved from one side to the other trying to find my daughter. She was there and she needed me._

"_Miss, you can't do this," A young man, most likely in his mid teens, walked cautiously up to me, his work vest bright red, "Miss, did you hear me?" He questioned as he slowly approached me._

"_My daughter," I cried tossing another box on to the ground, "**Please, **you have to help me find her."_

"_Where did your daughter go?"_

"_I don't know!" I had yelled, causing the boy to jump, "She needs me."_

"_Why are you tearing apart the shelves miss?" Came his stern voice, briefly breaking my concentration. I stared up at him in misery. No one was willing to help me._

_He gave up after minutes of pleading with me to stop my destruction, I couldn't. Farley was in there calling for me, I could not turn my back, no matter what anyone said. Three other store clerks tried to get me to stop but like the first boy, I managed to scare them off. One even threatened to call the police, why they never did I will never know. Maybe like the other customers they were puzzled by my sudden outburst to find my daughter…maybe they understood I would never give up until I did find her, or at least find the truth._

_It must have been a fan who finally decided to step up, my purse which I had abandoned had ended up in the arms of a young woman…she knew who I was because she found Tommy's number in my cell phone and told him what was happening. How does someone react when they find out their wife is tearing apart the cereal isle at the local grocery store? Looking for a child that had died?_

"_Jude?" Tommy's voice questioned from the opposite end of the isle, "Jude, what's going on sweetheart?"_

"_She needs me," I cried pushing another box off the shelf._

"_Who does?" Slowly he inched his way past the few customers who still remained._

_I looked over at him with tears streaking down my face, "Farley, she needs me."_

"_For what?" Tommy asked, worry filling his voice._

"_She needs help, she's calling me, but I can't find her," My voice growing more broken with each word._

"_Jude, she's not there."_

"_Yes she is," Turning away from him I made my way over to another shelf, starting my rampage over again. Tommy stepped over the discarded boxes as he neared me, ignoring his presence I called out to Farley again, telling her I was coming._

"_Jude, stop she's not there," Tommy spoke from behind me. His voice coated in sadness._

"_Mommy's coming," I repeated over and over, pushing away the tears that kept filling my eyes, "Mommy's coming."_

"_Baby she's not here, you can't do this," Tommy's hand grabbed my shoulder, jerking me away from the shelf, "Let's go home."_

_I pushed his hand away from me, glaring up at him. He stared down at me with eyes full of worry, and maybe even anger… I know I was causing a scene, I knew people were staring and talking about how crazy I was. But I was only doing what any mother would do if their child was asking them for help. Stepping away from my husband I knocked more items down until I felt Tommy's arms grab me from behind, slamming my body against his._

"_**Let go of me!**" His grip only tightened as I tried to move away from his grasp. I heard a collective gasp come from the few gawking customers who remained in isle five as I kicked my legs out, trying anything to remove myself from Tommy._

"_Farley isn't here Jude," Tommy's embrace loosened once he spoke, "She's not here."_

"_Yes she is," Backing away I felt my body bump against a shelf, "She needs help Tommy," My eyes pleading with him to help me._

_Tears filled his eyes as he looked over at me, "Jude, she's gone."_

"_What?"_

"_She's gone," He repeated as he stepped closer until he stood in front of me, "She's dead Jude."_

"_No," I started crying. The truth of the situation finally hitting home. I had been chasing after a ghost, "No," Bringing my hands to cover my face sobs broke free, filling the isle which had been turned upside down._

"_She's not coming back," Tommy spoke through his own tears as he reached out and pulled me into his embrace._

_I still saw her after that day, Farley appeared here and there. Mostly in my dreams, but every once in a while I would turn and see her. Playing with her ball, smiling up at me. All I would have to do was close my eyes, then her image would be gone, and once again I would be left with nothing. Alone like always. _

_My daughter was never coming back and it was my fault…._


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm back again today. I was so inspired yesterday that I ended up with another chapter so I'll put it up today. This one is also all in narration, I know I'm kind of randomly coming up with chapters but I had no idea where to go when I first started this story… I'm coming up with this as I go. Some of you mentioned that you were looking forward to seeing what exactly was the cause of the marriage falling apart. Well I really don't know, Jude's drinking, Tommy's affairs, are major, but I was stuck on what else. Jude and Tommy grieve differently so that will play out, and by the end of this chapter and chapter seven you'll see something else happen.**

**Thanks again for all the comments! Hope you like this chapter as well.**

**Chapter Six**

_Haley Jennings, seventeen years old, a few months away from being a senior in high school. On her way home from visiting with friends for the day, in order to be home in time to please her parents she had taken a short cut through my neighborhood--- Haley Jennings was the driver of the small Toyota that killed Farley. Police records showed she had been speeding, five miles over the maximum speed limit. I tried to hate her for that but after thinking it over, how many times had I really obeyed traffic laws? She had stayed at the scene after hitting Farley, she was even one of many people who called into 9-1-1. I still tried to hate her, but she did everything she should have. She didn't run, like most people would have… she turned herself in…she even wrote a letter to me and Tommy apologizing. I wanted to hate her, I wanted to so bad, but the only person I hated was myself._

_Haley killed my daughter, yet I felt the blame on my shoulders, I carried the guilt, if I had been paying more attention to Farley that evening--- My life was pure hell, I was falling apart, Tommy was drifting away, I felt everything I did came back to haunt me. Weeks after the grocery store incident I had a similar lapse… Farley had been there with me one morning, I knew it, I felt it, she needed me and once again I went after that ghost, hoping with everything in me I would find her. Instead Tommy found me, and I know he was beginning to question my sanity. How often do you come in from work to find your wife chasing after your dead child? _

_I tried to stop my heart from breaking each time Farley's ghost disappeared… sounds crazy when I say ghost, not like what horror movies portray, this was real, I was haunted. I wanted so badly to go back to that day, to the moment when my eyes lingered on Kat, to the moment when I heard tires screeching and the ringing of my daughters body being slammed into. Every second I sat awake, I thought about it, I couldn't let it go. Part of me didn't want to let it go--- If I moved on then I was allowing myself to forget what I had done. How could I ever be happy again?_

_I tried to put up a strong front, I wasn't the only person suffering, so I tried to be brave around my family, mostly for Tommy. He never was one to admit when he was hurting, but I saw it. When you marry someone you grow to know everything about them. I knew Tommy inside and out, just like he knew me. Was that the start to our problems? We both tried to be brave, yet we saw the pieces falling from one another. I started pulling away from him first, it hurt me too deeply to see him, he reminded me so much of my daughter. Her eyes, her smile, her attitude, she was just like Tommy. Did I remind Tommy of Farley? Did it hurt him to look at me? Did he see our daughter? I asked myself that all the time, never really wanting to know the answer. _

_Weeks dragged into two months. Farley had been gone for two months, over sixty days without my daughter. Tommy worried about me, he worried that I was beginning to believe that Farley was really still alive, that I was looking for her because I didn't believe she was dead. He was so wrong, I knew she was. Wasn't it my own fault? God I hated him for that. When you love someone you do crazy things… when you're hurting you do crazy things, that doesn't mean you **are **crazy. Behind my back he had asked my mom and Sadie to check up on me, to make sure I stayed away from my "ghost hunts." _

_Before Farley died I would have put up a fight, I would have bitched and yelled for hours about how he was treating me. I wasn't a mental case, I was only a mother suffering, I was only a woman bearing the weight of hell._

_My marriage was crumbling under pressure, minor things were chipping away the bond we Quincy's had had in the beginning. Distancing ourselves from the other was the first blow. Tommy slept in our bed every night, yet I couldn't bring myself to go in there… I stayed in Farley's bed, I needed to be with her, if only just in sleep, I needed her things to surround me. She was me, I carried her inside of me for nine months, I felt her before anyone else. Mother's always have a special connection with their children. Tommy tried to understand at first, he knew it would take forever to get over the loss of her, but he wanted me to bounce back quicker than I was. Maybe I would have, maybe if I didn't blame myself I would have been more willing to put my life back together. Sleeping in my bed, with Tommy, something I had loved before, my heart wouldn't allow me…I needed to be punished, and in many ways I was trying to make up for what I had done, I wanted Far to know I was sorry, sorry for letting her go, sorry for not being a better parent. I cried during the night, my tears falling on to her pillow streams of agony and sorrow._

_Haley Jennings was another piece that broke my marriage. Tommy was so angry after Farley died, he wanted anyone involved to suffer, like he was. I couldn't blame him for that, I know he needed an outlet to release his grief, but I had to stop him before he took things too far. Tommy wanted charges pressed against Haley, he wanted her to pay for what she had done. I was paying for it, because Haley didn't kill my daughter, I did._

"_What are you doing?" I questioned one morning walking into the kitchen. Tommy had paper work spread out across the table, he never had been one to bring work involved papers home so I immediately took interest._

"_Just looking up something."_

"_What kind of something?"_

_He ignored my question, returning his attention to the papers. I stepped away from the counter stealing a glance at one of the documents._

"_Manslaughter?" Shooting Tommy a questioning glance, "What is this stuff?"_

"_Legal actions we can take."_

"_For what?"_

"_H. Jennings." Tommy had still yet to look up at me, but his voice was rough when he spoke of her name._

"_W-what?" _

_I never even thought about pressing charges against Haley, let alone taking her to court for manslaughter. I stuttered trying to think of something to say but I was caught so off guard._

"_Were you planning on talking to me about any of this?" Anger rose in my voice. Tommy finally looked up at me, pinning me with a look of disbelief._

"_Of course Jude, but I figured we were on the same page here."_

_Clearing my throat I took a seat across from him shuffling through the legal documents on the table. Different lawyers, how to go about suing someone, how to press charges against Haley. My stomach flopped around as I stared over at my husband._

"_We are not taking her to court."_

"_Yes we are," Tommy tossed the paper he had been holding over to me, "She killed our daughter Jude, she shouldn't be able to walk freely."_

_Running my hands through my limp hair I shook my head in sadness, "It was an accident."_

"_That's why we get her for **Vehicular manslaughter**."_

"_Tommy--"_

"_Just look through the papers Jude," His eyes pleaded, "**Please**, for me."_

_And I did, I read through all the pages, lawyer comments even notes Tommy had scribbled between the margins. Tommy needed me to do this, he needed me to give in a little and side with him. To show him I wasn't completely out of my mind so I agreed. An easy out, right? Take down the girl who was driving the car, lock her away letting everyone believe she should bear the burden of Farley's death. It would have been my way out from the guilt, but I couldn't walk away, the hands that held me in place were wrapped around too tight._

_While Tommy was at work days after we talked I slipped out and watched from my car the life of a seventeen-year-old girl unfold before my eyes. Haley lived in a run down neighborhood. One that I was always afraid of when I was younger, poor in salary, owned by a local gang. Her house was decent enough, you could tell her family tried to make it better than what it was… another old beat up car sat in the driveway, the first day I drove by I wondered where the white Toyota was, then the next day I saw it. I parked across the street the same time Haley was pulling in. My heart burst with so much emotion I about died. There was the car that took my baby's life, the front fender was dented, paint was missing… same dent that my daughter's body caused. Bile rose in my mouth so fast, so painful I had to empty the contents of my stomach in a nearby bush._

_From what I could tell Haley had a few close friends, they stopped by almost daily, laughing and joking. She had an older brother, rough around the edges, his arms covered in tattoos, earrings pierced his ears, yet every time I saw him he was always helping his mother. Haley's mom worked two jobs, so did her father, they were hardly home. I felt really sad for the Jennings, they most likely wanted a better life, yet the hand that had been dealt led them to where they were, no out in sight. Haley was going to be a senior in high school, I remember being a senior, then again I was also a celebrity so comparing myself to a normal kid is unfair. I had money, I had a career, my life was good. Haley had no money, no career, and her life was exactly where she was. Living in a neighborhood known for drugs, known for the gangs… _

_The legal documents sat folded in my purse as I made my daily visits to watch Haley, I had to know who she was, what she did, I needed to see what her life was. For some reason knowing the girl who killed my daughter became an obsession for me that week. After taking in who she was I became bitter every time I saw her smile… how could she be happy and smile when I was dying inside? Something was wrong with that. For a brief moment I wanted Haley Jennings to suffer, I wanted her to be locked away. That feeling lasted until the night I saw her truth._

_Tommy worked late one night, taking the opportunity I once again drove to the Jennings house. Parking in my normal spot I watched the sun set through the rearview mirror, the colors shadowing the small home. Haley pulled into the driveway an hour after I arrived. I knew she was home alone, her parents and brother were most likely starting their second jobs, leaving Haley to herself until morning. I had only seen her interact with her family and friends, so being able to observe who she was by herself was detrimental in my decision with siding with Tommy or not. Once she made it to her bedroom her light flicked on, casting shadows against the thin curtain. I looked on in curiosity until she did something that took my breath away. Haley cried. Her shoulders shook as sobs escaped her lips. The open window echoed her devastation into the air, filling my ears and my heart with her sadness. She was crying for my daughter. And then I knew what I had to do._

_It took convincing but Tommy finally backed off his case, he gave into my pleas. Our love for one another was present in his decision, he loved me and had faith in my verdict. Reading over the letter that Haley had sent to me and Tommy I knew with certainty that I was making the best choice. She was only seventeen years old, her whole life ahead of her, I could not be the person responsible for ending what her life could amount to._

_On the seventh day I drew out money from my bank, sealing the bills and a note in an envelope I scribbled her name on the outside before dropping it off in her mailbox. Relief was there with me, but I felt the burden drop heavier on my shoulders as I ran back to the safety of my car. I walked away that day carrying the guilt for Haley as well. At least the guilt for Farley's death was where it should have been._

_**Haley,**_

_**Use this to make a difference. Do not question where it came from, even though deep down I know you'll know who this is from. I don't blame you for what happened, and I don't hate you. Finish high school, then use this to go to college, make something of yourself. You deserve to have a better life. I know you'll never forget what happened, but I ask and I hope that you can find it inside you to move on. Your whole life is ahead of you, this is your chance. I do ask that every night before you fall asleep you whisper a silent prayer for her, that she may sleep in peace….As I will do the same for you.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**J.Q.**_


	7. Chapter 7

**I thought I would kick off the New Year with a new chapter. This is my first update in this story since July 30th. Sometimes writers block can stump a person. After re-reading what I had written I found myself getting excited about writing another chapter. So here I am after all these months. I missed this story and hope my new wave of inspiration can carry me to the end. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed in the past and to the new readers! **

**Happy New Year! **

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

"Would you like to explain to me why you withdrew ten thousand dollars from our bank account?" _The question rolled off my tongue harsher than I had wanted. Either way I was angry. We never took that much money out without asking the other first._

_Jude's eyes had widened as she stepped into the room. She had been locked inside Farley's room all morning. A habit of hers I fast started to hate. I never saw her, when I did she never spoke. The few times she had we wound up arguing, in which Jude would once again retreat into our daughters bedroom._

_The thought of stepping foot into Far's room was still too painful. I tried late at night when Jude was asleep. I really did. I wanted to be near her and my wife. I wanted to feel her, to be with her where her things were. Each time I did my body revolted against me._

_I missed my daughter. I missed her more as each day dragged on. I missed her smile, the way her eyes lit up right before her lips moved into an easy grin. She smiled the way Jude does…or did. Jude never smiled after Farley died. When she did they never reached her eyes. You could tell her heart wasn't in it._

_I missed my wife. We were so happy until that awful day. I would give anything just to have one more day with my family. One day to say goodbye to my daughter. The last time I saw her she was still wearing her pajamas. A white nightgown with **Elmo **on the front, red leggings and green socks. For some reason she had to wear mismatched socks with anything she wore unless Jude or I bribed her into wearing something else. _

_Jude had been sitting on the kitchen floor reading through a cookbook Victoria had purchased for her. She told me she wanted to make a nice dinner because for the first time in ages Darius was letting me off work early. As Jude flipped through the pages Farley waddled into the kitchen. Her small chubby hands rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her blonde curls were sticking up in crazy directions. She made the perfect picture. One red legging pulled high enough to see her calf, I remember thinking about how much she looked like Jude. _

"Maybe it was moved into the savings account or something," _Jude tried to make up an excuse. The lie failed as soon as her mouth began to move. Her lying was a waste of time, she was never any good at it. _"You know how the bank is. I've had checks get moved around before."

"Not this time!" _Removing a folded piece of paper from my back pocket I angrily flashed it in front of her face. _"Apparently two days ago you used your ATM card to make five different withdrawals of two thousand dollars. Why?"

"I needed it for something."

"Needed it _for what_ Jude?" _My voice rose. Scaring us both. Jude's eyes filled with tears briefly before she summoned enough courage to push them back._

"It's my money. I took it from the checks I got from Liam last week. So don't worry about it."

"_Don't worry about it?!_" _Stepping closer to her rage ran wild in my eyes. _"How can you say that?! You take out all that money and expect me not to wonder where the hell it went?"

_I was so angry inside. Not even over the money. Well I was upset about the money. It was that one small thing that set off the dominos. One by one they began to knock into each other as they fell. I was every piece. The setting my heart. Piece by piece; slowly and painfully I began to topple._

_Jude had retreated into a shell since the death. I never knew how much I needed her until then. She was and still is my other half. Without her I can't function properly. I was running low on fumes. I was lost. So far gone in the ocean of my hell I was drowning._

"Where did the money go Jude?" _I stared at her. Pleading with her to tell me._ "_Please."_

_Jude stood across the room looking in every which direction but mine. Her hair was messy, most likely from running her hands through it so much. Her face was ashen with red blotches coating her frail cheeks. Her clothes baggy against her sickly thin frame. My eyes filled with tears at the sight of her. I hurt so bad for her. I hurt terribly for me but watching the one person you love more than anything break in front of you was the worst kind of pain any man should have to suffer._

"I can't tell you," _Jude whispered hoarsely into the room. Her voice dripping with previously cried and unshed tears._

"Why not?"

_Her thin arms wrapped protectively around her midsection. _"I had to do it Tommy."

"Do what Jude?"

_She shook her head sadly before her blood shot eyes met mine. I gasped slightly. Immediately stricken by the sight of her._

"Give her the money. I had to."

"Give who the money Jude?"

_Her eyes filled with tears. Sniffling she used the back of her left hand to wipe away the moisture from her cheeks_. "I tried to see it your way. I-I watched her. I followed her. She cries Tommy. She cries every night when no one is there. She has to wait until she's alone before she feels safe enough to cry."

"Please baby tell me who you are talking about." _My voice border lining desperate. Was she talking about our daughter? Did she see Farley crying? It was so hard to tell with her. Ever since the incident at the grocery store everyone around us watched Jude constantly. Waiting for the moment when she would completely break. _

_Having to witness my wife tearing apart a cereal isle because she thought Farley was there about ripped my heart out…_

_When you watch movies, when you see people losing their minds, you feel pity for the character. You laugh it off thinking, "Oh that never happens in real life." Standing there watching the love of my life so lost and so devastated I wished with everything it was all a dream. Why couldn't I wake up and see my daughter standing there in her **Elmo **nightgown, smiling up at me with her mothers lips…? Why do I instead wake up with the same nightmare facing me?_

"Haley," _Jude spoke so low I could hardly make out what she said. Yet I had. That name rung loud and clear. Slamming against my chest like a ton of bricks._

"Haley?" _I asked dumbly. _

_Jude nodded as she sniffled once again from the strain of tears pushing forth._

"What does _she _have to do with this conversation?" _The truth yet to click inside my head._

"I left the money in her mailbox."

_Blinking once I stared across at Jude as waves of anger and heartache began to crash into me. _"You gave the money to Haley?"

_Once again Jude nodded. Her eyes locked on to mine._

"You gave ten thousand dollars to the girl who fucking killed our daughter?!" _With each word my voice rose in pitches of rage. _"You gave a murderer OUR money? _WHY?_"

"So she can---" _Cutting Jude off before she could finish I raised my hands in disbelief. This was not happening. _

"There could not be any right answer to that so don't even bother Jude."

"It was my money."

"Your money?!" _Laughing bitterly I felt fire erupting where my heart was supposed to be. _"That makes it all right then? Because it was your damn money?!"

"Tommy I had to do it."

"You went behind _my_ back and gave that-that _murderer---_"_ I stuttered over every word. Not even able to utter anything that made sense. _

"Please don't call her that."

"What a murderer? Killer? Scum? _Life destroyer_?"

"STOP IT!" _Jude yelled. Her voice filled with so much hurt and exhaustion echoed off the walls around us. _

_I jumped slightly from her outburst_.

"Stop it stop it stop it!" _Her arms once again crossed over her stomach as she chocked back a sob_. "Don't say that!"

"Why not? it's the truth."

"It was an accident!"

"Speeding down a street and killing an innocent baby is no accident!" _I yelled at her. Not caring that my voice was loud enough for every neighbor on the block to hear. _

"She was going five miles over the speed limit," _Jude threw back at me. Her own anger evident. _"How many times do you go that or even more over the limit?!"

"She was speeding Jude."

"I go faster than that when I drive. You do we all do. It could have been any one of us! She didn't mean to-to-to---do it."

"She didn't mean to? God Jude how could you say that?"

_She gave the girl who killed our daughter money. She tried telling me it was an accident. I could not accept that. My daughter was dead… she died from a speeding car slamming into her small body. Haley Jennings was driving, in my eyes she was the worst kind of scum. I wont ever get to see Farley grow into a woman, get married, have her own children… I wont ever get to hear her sweet voice, listen to her laugh, hug her until she cried she couldn't "brief." I'll never have those precious moments back. All because Haley Jennings took a new route that one day. If only she stayed on her own side of town, taken the same damn streets she was used to. For that I could never forgive her for what she did to my family. Because of her I lost my daughter, my wife and myself._

"I think we have all suffered enough. Haley included. She never set out that day to kill Farley. It happened. Now we all need to move on… try to find a way to live out the rest of our lives. How can we do that if Haley is sitting behind bars?"

"Easily."

_Jude shook her head in disgust and something else I couldn't place. _"You're a liar. She's just a kid, her whole life ahead of her. I could never live with myself if we ruined her life too."

"How noble of you Jude!" _I sneered._ "As long as _she _can move on. What about us?"

"We find a way without hurting other people," _How could her voice soften when I was so full of anger?_ "_Please. _I had to do it…I used my money. You may not agree with me but I had to do this."

"No."

_Her eyes widened before she replied._ "No?"

_Nodding in her direction I stepped closer to her. _"No. Go get the money back. She doesn't deserve it. She took away our daughter. She killed my baby. She ripped apart our family."

"Tommy----please."

"_NO!_"

"I can't."

"Go. Get. The. Money. Back," _I bit each word out through gritted teeth._

"No."

"Go get the---"

_Jude stepped back with each step I took forward. Her eyes pinned mine. Both blazing and hollow. She held her hands up silencing my rampage._

"She's keeping the money."

"This is how we move on? We pay off the killer and then what? I get to sit back and watch my wife chase after ghosts?"

_I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. Jude looked so hurt. _"I didn't mean that Jude."

"You did."

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

_Jude nodded as tears slipped from her eyes. _"I know." _she whispered._

_Haley's picture filled my head. Her smiling face…my daughters face. My daughters cold skin as I kissed her lifeless body goodbye. Glancing up I looked over at Jude._

_Everyone I loved was gone. My wife and my daughter. _

_With a burst of passion fueled misery I yelled, _"I want my daughter back! I want this pain to go away! I want to wake up each morning without tears soaking my pillows," _Blinking back the warm moisture bubbling beneath my lashes_ _I cried out into the hollow room._ _Letting my pain take center stage_. "I want my wife back. I want _you_ back Jude. I _can't_ do this without you, yet I am."

"I'm sorry!" _Jude sobbed before running out of the room. _

_I stayed frozen in place. Tearfully listening with a jolt as Farley's bedroom door softly closed. Counting the seconds until I heard Jude's soft cries whispering against my ears…sending fire-laced daggers full force against my bleeding heart._

_It was only a matter of minutes before I made my way up the stairs, passing by the hallways filled with photographs of my family. All of us smiling. Memories of better days. As I neared Farley's room I felt dread overcome my body as my hand shook reaching for the door knob._

_The door eased open creaking slightly as I pushed against it. Baby lotion and powder greeted me; without realizing it I inhaled the sweet scents… Farley Bear's. _

_Her stuffed animals were neatly organized on the window seat, baby dolls and building blocks stacked inside the over full toy box across the room. Her closet was half way open; her small clothes still hanging on the hangers. I longed to touch them, to bury my face in the softness I knew each one would bring. Music boxes filled a shelf above the white and pink dresser, the one right in the center brought tears to my eyes._

_Two teddy bears sat in a rocking chair. The daddy and the baby. The papa was reading a story to his little girl. Bouncing her on his knee. The dark cherry stained wooden box wound up underneath, the song set to play, "You Are My Sunshine." The same title was scribbled across the book the papa bear was reading. Jude gave it to me the Fathers Day before Farley was born. The first Fathers Day present I ever received._

_Farley's bed held my wife. Jude lay there with her back turned to me, sleeping. She fell asleep there every night after her body exhausted from crying. I would know because I stood outside the closed door each and every night listening to her hushed cries until they finally stopped. When they did I would make my way to our bedroom and cry myself._


	8. Chapter 8

**In order to make this chapter all that I want it to be I have to break it up into both Tommy and Jude's POV's. I hate mixing them together so I'll post this part now and get the other two out whenever I can. **

**This one is all Jude, next one will be all Tommy and the last will be back to Jude. That way no one gets confused on who is narrating and each part can be sentimentally related to each of the. **

**Chapter Eight**

"_Wave to Mommy," Tommy held one month old Farley in his arms. Cupping one of her small hands he waved it towards the camera. "Say I love you…" Farley's eyes squinted as the lens slowly zoomed in on her face. Her mouth puckered slightly as Tommy continued to make slow waving motions with her hand. His eyes glowing with love and pride as he dropped his gaze down to his daughters before returning it to the camera. "I love you" he mouthed, before a grin only I knew lifted his lips._

_My finger pressed the pause button on the VCR stilling Tommy's face on the screen. Slowly tracing his features with my shaky fingers I memorized the shape of his eyes and lips when he was smiling. Sadly I pressed play and watched in agony as he continued to wave Farley's little hand towards the camera._

"_Look baby it's Mommy. Isn't she pretty?" His gaze continued to shift from mine to our daughters._

"_Shut up!" My voice came over the screen. Joking and full of laughter._

"_Its true," Tommy grinned down at Farley. "One day you will look just like her. I'll have to scare away all those punks who will chase after you."_

"_She doesn't want to look like me." _

_Tommy shook his head before he stared at me with seriousness in his eyes. "She already does." _

_He smiled again before the screen went fuzzy. Black and white snow filled the television in silent annoyance while the VCR counted up the seconds until another video began to play._

"_How much do you love me?"_

_One and a half year old Farley dressed in a simple denim dress jumped up and down in front of the camera. Her bare feet squishing into the carpet with each rise and fall motion her small chubby legs made. She smiled at the question her daddy had asked. _

"_Are you going to answer?" Tommy's playful voice questioned his daughter._

"_Yes-so."_

"_You guess so?"_

_She nodded animatedly causing her short blonde curls to bounce up and down. "Yes."_

_Tommy chuckled. The camera shaking briefly as his laughter disrupted the still filming. "Do I dare even ask you again how much you love me?"_

_Smiling Farley stretched her arms out. "Dis' much." she said as the camera closed in on her face._

_Once again I paused the film from rolling. Farley's face stilled on the screen. Her eyes were smiling as she was showing Tommy how much she loved him._

_Many times throughout the day we asked her to tell us how much she loved us. She never ceased to stop. Every time she would stretch her arms as far as they would go… to her it was the world, to me and Tommy it was everything._

_Leaning forward I felt a sob forming inside as I placed a gentle kiss against the cold television screen._

_After Tommy had left for work I dragged out the small box that held home videos Tommy and I had made over the two years of Farley's life. Her pictures filled frames throughout our house but the little things she did and said were not captured in those stills. I needed to see the way her eyes sparkled when she spoke…how her dimples slowly deepened as she laughed._

"_I love you that much and to the moon and back," Letting the tape continue to roll Tommy's voice filled the air._

"_Ares too?" _

"_The stars too."_

_Like all the others, the tape faded away leaving a blank screen staring back at me. With tears blurring my vision I pressed the rewind button. The sound from the film rolling back pierced my ears in silent whirs of grief. Sometimes the pain so strong I could barely find it in me to function like any other person. Sometimes the pain was just what I needed to get me through the day. Any feeling at all was better than laying in my daughters bed as her death ate away at me._

_When the tape clicked done my attention moved to the un-watched tapes still sitting in the box. Slipping another one into the black box I hit play. The screen filled with snow before voices carried into the cold room around me._

"_Put your feet on the pedals… no not that…there you go," I cooed as Farley situated her two year old self on her brand new pink tricycle. _

"_Push this foot forward---" Tommy sat next to me and Farley. Gently cupping her foot as he pushed it down in order to get her bike to move. "Then the other…there you go!" _

_We filmed that tape two weeks before Farley died. Every time she would see that tricycle at the toy stores she begged us to buy it for her. We kept telling her to wait for her birthday, or Christmas. We really should have told ourselves to wait because we gave in first. Tommy stopped one night on his way home from work and bought the bike. It was in a box… I was mad at him because we had to end up putting it together. Imagine the swear words exchanged over that. After four hours and two pots of coffee consumed we finally had the pink three-wheeled bike assembled. _

_When she woke up she jumped up and down in her childish squeals. I would do anything to see her like that again. All over a stupid little bike, something so small had made her day. _

"_I go fast?!" Farley asked excitedly as me and Tommy helped her move the bike across the kitchen tile._

"_Really fast!" _

_The camera propped up on one of the coffee tables sat in the kitchen doorway. Me and Tommy argued over who would get to help her ride the bike, after a handful of lost rounds of "Rock Paper Scissors." Tommy came up with the idea of having us both in it._

_Far's curls tied back with a blue ribbon moved with her excitement as her small hands gripped tightly on to the plastic handlebars. She glanced from me and Tommy as her feet pressed into the pedals. _

"_Weeelly weeelly fast!" _

_Never did I know she would be dead two weeks later. _

_I paused the tape again when Farley's face smiled into the camera. So beautiful. _

_My fingers shook against the television screen as I traced the outline of her sweet face. Tears filling my eyes at the memory of her sitting in my lap. Countless times I would get caught running my fingers through her silky hair or over her soft skin. She was truly an angel._

"_Why did you do it?" I asked on a silent sob. "Why did you run out in front of that car?"_

_Her face continued to smile back at me. _

_A tear slipped down my cheek as my fingers stilled. "Why did you leave Mommy?" Another tear fell along the path already traced. Warm and cold as it made its journey into the unknown. "It was just a stupid ball!"_

_As my voice chocked Farley's face once again stilled in her never forgotten smile._

"_You should have listened to me! I told you not to go out there! I yelled for you to stop and you didn't listen! Why?" Bitterly I pushed away the moisture wetting my blotchy cheeks. "Why did you leave me? Don't you know how much mommy needs you?"_

_Unable to take her beautiful smile any longer I stood up… brushing tears away I felt like dying. Nothing could feel worse. _

_Making my way out of the living room I ran up the stairs and straight to Farley's bedroom. I paused in her doorway as my gaze landed on one of my daughters favorites things._

_Sitting in the corner by her bed was the pink tricycle._

**To be continued…**


	9. Chapter 9

**A:N: This update has taken me a long time to publish. I have had serious writers block, and after many attempts at writing an update, I was finally inspired this new year. I hope to be able to update on a regular basis, but being a full time college student; I find any personal time majorly lacking.**

**This chapter is in Tommy's pov, and a continuance from chapter eight. I hope some of the first readers of this story come back and enjoy this. Thanks to everyone who has been faithfully asking me to update over the years.**

**Chapter Nine**

"_Weeelly, weeelly fast!" _

_Coming home that day the first words to greet me were my daughters. Her voice dripping in excitement, I missed that voice so much. Stepping away from the garage door access in the house I slowly followed Farley's cheerful commands until I reached the living room._

_Boxes full of tapes sat in scattered order across the floor. Jude must have been watching the tapes all day long. My eyes trailed from the tapes up to the screen where Farley was being pushed around the kitchen floor on her new bike. A faint smile lifted my lips as I watched her chubby legs being held to the pedals by Jude._

"_Fatter Mommy fatter!" Farley's blond curls bounced within her hair ribbon as Jude grinned in motherly pride at the sometimes comical vocabulary our daughter was picking up. _

_The sight of my daughter unknowingly pulled my body like a magnet towards the television screen. My eyes remained glued the entire time, never once leaving Far's sweetness or Jude's soft chuckles. Pain like I never imagined I could feel stabbed into my gut. The tape continued to play in front of me, but my mind had wandered off. Like being transported into another realm or maybe that was my imagination; the fantasy of being able to step out of the life I was currently living, and stepping into a land where my heart knew no sorrow. As the tape continued to flash the precious moments of my angel's li_ves, _I had to step away. The pain, the agony, all of it returned and I could not take it._

_Five minutes passed as I searched the downstairs for Jude, the tape still played on; and as the sounds of laughter from another time continued to fill the air, and my search for Jude took on a pace of desperation. The sooner I found her, the quicker I could escape the beauty of my demise._

"_Jude?" I asked in a hushed whisper. Wanting to find her, and yet not wanting to at the same time. "Jude?" I asked again._

_I glanced around the room in every which direction but that of the television. Not surprisingly, Jude did not reply; lately, she kept silent even if a person was right in front of her. _

_Another five minutes passed before I heard sounds coming from upstairs. Taking in a breath, I made my way towards the front room stairs. Briefly at the bottom step, my legs stopped, and I wanted to flee the other way. Taking in another breath, I quickly gathered all the courage I could and slowly climbed the rest of the way up the stairs. The sounds of someone moving about one of the rooms guided me right to my wife._

_I found Jude standing still in our daughter's room. She had her back turned to me, and my eyes widened in surprise to see how frail she looked. She had lost so much weight; her hair was limp and dead at the ends. Her shoulders slumped, and her head bent in concentration. Following the direction of where I thought she was looking, I spotted the bicycle. The same one that Farley was riding in the video downstairs. _

"_Jude?" I asked. Surprising us both by how hoarse and ruff my voice came out._

_Jude jumped in surprise before turning to face me. She held my gaze as her lips moved, yet no words came out. _

"_Wh-what are you doing up here?"_

"_I…" She licked her lips before continuing. "I'm just looking at things."_

"_And the videos?" I couldn't help but ask. I don't know why, but I felt angry that she had been watching those movies all day. She continued to do things that only brought her pain. "Why were you watching them?"_

"_To remember." She spoke on a whisper. Her head lowered once again, I followed the direction of her eyes as they once again landed on the bicycle._

"_Why Jude?"_

"_I needed to see her."_

"_You can't keep doing this to yourself."_

_Her head snapped up and her eyes were hard. "Doing what to myself?"_

"_Living in the past!"_

"_Is that so bad?"_

_A laugh of humorless notes passed through my lips. "Is that so bad?" I asked. "Yes it is! You can't live there Jude, you need to stop doing this every day!"_

"_So I can't watch videos of my daughter?" Jude huffed. I could tell by the way her shoulders straightened back she was prepared to fight; this is something we did all the time. "I can't look at how happy she was, and how much love we shared in those tapes?"_

_Growing angry with the situation, and my lack of skills in expressing myself correctly, I dug the hole even further. "It's not like that Jude! You've become obsessed with everything of the past! You never even act like you're in the present!"_

"_That's not true!" She yelled at me. The walls echoed her words, and I should have felt the sting. I didn't. The pain I had felt in watching Jude slip away was too much. So I stared on as she slipped even farther. "You won't let me grieve the way I want to! If it isn't Tommy's way, it's not the right way!"_

"_Jude." I began. "It's not like that at all. I don't think the way you are going about things is healthy." _

_She scoffed in annoyance; and her arms as frail and bony as they were, wrapped around her middle. "Healthy? Nice to see that you are the all knowing when it comes to how I should mourn."_

"_Jude."_

_Jude shook her head, and this time I did keep quiet. "I would like you to leave now." She spat out._

"_Not unless you come with me."_

"_I would like you to leave now." Jude spoke each word slowly. "I don't need or want your advice in here. So get the hell out." With that Jude turned back around and once again her eyes and mind wandered back to the bicycle._

_I stared at her in complete shock. How could she dismiss me like that? As if she never needed me. I was getting so sick of that feeling I carried with me. I was tired of walking on eggshells to protect Jude; especially when she didn't give a damn about me and what I needed._

_Backing out of the room, I turned to leave when I heard Jude whisper something. Thinking she was talking to me, I stepped back into the room. The hope I felt in that moment was great, for the first time in a long time, I thought Jude may be willing to talk. That hope soon fell away when I heard what she was saying._

"_Just put your foot on the pedal and Mommy will help you."_

_What was that? I asked myself. Was she talking to me? No, she couldn't be. I didn't want to believe she was talking to Farley, but deep down I knew she was. This had gone too far. I could not take it anymore. Before I could stop myself, before I could think about my actions; I reacted on my emotions and not the rational. My heart and mind exploded in devastating anger._

"_You are not allowed to fall apart on me!" I yelled from the doorway. Jude flinched as her tearful eyes locked with mine. "I need you God-dammit! You can't do this to me anymore Jude! I can't take it. I can't keep walking around here all the fucking time holding us together."_

_My hands visibly shook as fury and grief rocked my body back and forth. Tears stung my eyes as I stared into my wife's, watching as she silently cried from across the room. That damn bike sitting at her feet. God I wished so badly at the time to throw that pink bike out the window. To forget it ever existed. To forget the way my daughter looked when she first got it. How her eyes lit up; and how much she looked like her beautiful mother. _

"_We are supposed to do this together! Remember the vows we took? We promised to help one another through the good and the bad. You were fine through the good but now you aren't even Jude anymore!" _

_Jude's mouth opened and closed several times before she finally spoke, "Th-that's not fair T-Tom."_

_Laughing in mock humor my body continued to shake as I closed my eyes against the harsh tears begging to be set free. "It's not fair? You want to know what's not fair. The fact that you get to fall apart and I have to remain the rock. I have to stay strong otherwise everything falls to shit____"_

"_What do you want from me?" Jude's voice grew stronger with each word she spoke. "Do you want me to prance around here smiling all the time? Bake you cookies? Have dinner ready whenever you get home?" Stepping closer to me her eyes, bloodshot and wild, pinned me with something close to hatred. "Pretend my daughter didn't just die!?"_

_Recoiling back I stared open mouthed at her as she paused for breath before letting into me again. "Is that what you want? You want me to go back to our bedroom and sleep with you every night like it used to be? Do you want me to fall asleep in your arms whispering sweet nothings in your ear____ forgetting that when we wake up our daughter will still be dead? _

_I guess you want me to go back to work too, right? Go back to writing all those love songs and singing as if I haven't a care in the world. Pretend like I didn't just have my heart and soul ripped out of my body?" Stopping right in front of me, Jude raised a shaking hand and for a brief moment I thought she would slap me. Instead she held up one of Farley's hair ribbons. _

"_I don't know what you want from me. Whatever it is I can't be Tommy. I have nothing left____what is there to live for? I died that day." Her hand remained outstretched waiting for me to take the small satin ribbon from her frail hand. _

_Looking back and forth between her hand and her eyes I felt something inside me slip away. For weeks I had been building up a wall of false strength. I thought everything would fall into place if I remained whole. Jude would gradually come around again. I was waiting for that. Realization started to break through the thick clouds it had been hiding behind. Jude wasn't coming back and I was still left trying to find a way to grieve._

"_What about me?" I asked on a hoarse whisper._

_Jude's eyes looked into mine with confusion. "What?"_

"_What about me? Why can't you live for me?"_

"_I don't know how."_

"_Yes you do. You always have."_

"_Were you always this selfish?" Jude asked; her voice once again angry._

_Reaching out I took the blue ribbon from her hand. Warmth seeped into my skin where the satin hair-tie sat. "I'm still living for you."_

"_Don't do this Tommy."_

"_All I want is to feel something other than this pain. I want just one minute. Just one minute where I can be normal again."_

_Jude shook her head, sending her un-kept hair over her bony shoulders. "You want me to make everything better Tom. You never were good about picking up the pieces. You always claimed to be but it was always me who was stuck gluing everything back together again."_

"_Jude I---" My words faded away as my hand closed around the tiny blue ribbon. Bringing the material up to my nose I inhaled the faint scent of baby shampoo. _

_At that moment I wanted to be able to close my eyes and open them again and have things back to how they used to be. To once again have Jude happy and healthy, to have my daughter sleeping in my arms. "This isn't fair. It wasn't supposed to be like this. What did we do to deserve this, huh? Who said it was fair that my life was to be taken away from me without asking me first?" The satin ribbon continued to burn my skin sending shivers of bitterness throughout my blood. "You have nothing, and apparently I don't either, right Jude? Our marriage means so much to you that you would rather sit in here all fucking day talking to a ghost and shut me out when I need you the most!"_

_Before Jude could respond I continued to yell at her. She would never know how bad she hurt me by saying I wasn't worth living for. She had been my life the moment I laid eyes on her. Even staring down at her she was still everything to me. I needed her to hold me and help me find a way to walk again without feeling as if I was going to fall with each passing step. "I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you right now Jude! I-I tried to do the right thing____ I gave you space, I let your family talk me into letting you stay in here all the time; hoping that it would somehow help you. I watch you every day. Everyday Jude! I've never been able to take my eyes off of you. _

_You hardly eat; you only talk when someone talks to you, which isn't very often because you would rather slip away from everyone than let one of us tell you how much we love you."_

_A tear slipped from her eyes, falling against the path many others had already traced. Every kind of emotion ate away at me as I watched in confusion the journey of her tear. Jude's eyes blinked a couple times before her hollowed gaze burned into mine. Licking her dry lips without noticing sent a shocking awareness through me____ I missed her. I missed being able to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her everything would be okay. Only problem is, I wanted all of that in return. Something Jude was no longer able to do._

"_You're better off hating me."_

"_What?"_

_A few tears slid down Jude's cheeks as she replied. "You are better off hating me."_

"_Why?" I asked, even though I was terrified to hear her reply._

"_I can't be who you want me to be Tommy. That person died, and you are better off hating the person I've become, than loving the one who isn't coming back."_

"_Don't say that Jude!"_

_She shook her head and once again her arms wrapped around herself. "I'm sorry."_

"_You're sorry?" Pissed off once again, I glared at the stranger in front of me. The hatred was easier to feel than I thought. "Save it." I spat at her. I turned around and stormed out of the room before I could see her face fall, and hear the sob that escaped her beautiful lips._

_Storming into our bedroom, I hurried across the room and tore into the closet. Pulling out my duffle bag, I quickly tossed in a handful of clothes before moving towards the dresser. _

"_What are you doing?" Jude asked from the doorway. I spared her a brief glance before opening and closing drawers as soon as clothes were tossed inside the bag. "What are you doing?" She repeated._

"_I'm done." I huffed before making my way into the bathroom. I hurriedly gathered all the necessary toiletries I could before shoving them into the bag as well. When I could not shove anything else into the duffle bag, I zipped it closed and walked back into the bedroom. Jude remained standing in the doorway. She stared at me in confusion and hurt._

"_Done with what?"_

"_Everything Jude."_

"_Where are you going?" She asked. Her voice cracked, and hating her in that moment was too hard; yet I had to._

_I ran my hands over my face and through my hair before answering. "I don't know, but anywhere has to be better than staying here."_

"_Don't do this Tommy!"_

"_I can't do this Jude." I walked towards the door where she stood, and as the tears slipped from both of our eyes, I only hoped that Jude would hate me too. If she could not love me, then I wanted her to hate me; at least something that would show she cared enough to have an emotion either way. But living in this house, with this Jude, I could not do it anymore. "I'm done." With that I pushed passed her and walked down the hall, the stairs, and out the door._

_I tried to block out Jude's sobs as I made my way towards my car. Each cry that carried out the window was a punch in the gut. I didn't think my heart could break anymore than it already had; but walking away from my wife… shattered what remained._


End file.
